A Day Off

Wow I am not sure just what I am going to do tomorrow. I actually do not have to drive. My load does not deliver until Monday afternoon and so I can sit about 1/2 the day today and all day tomorrow and I will take off early on Monday morning so I can make my delivery appt.

I do know that I will be doing my laundry. I will take a shower. I will also be working on an afghan I have going. Read a book...do a review. Take a nap or two. Watching a few movies...anything to fill my day up.

So the rest of my day today...it is all mine!

Scare of the Week

So I tried to log into my blog last week...had a lot happen and needed to put much of it down so that I could try and sleep. Only to find that my blog had been "deleted" for lack of use of my gmail since 2007...Ummmmm something weird going on there. Specially since I blog every couple of months at least.

Anyway...My maternal grandfather passed away last Wednesday May 29, 2011. It is going to be hard on all of us...most especially for my mother. She is now home alone. Not something she has really had to do for any extent of time in who knows how many years. I wish that I could be there more but if I am not on the road working then there will be no income coming in to help her keep her home. And I do what to try and help her do so.

My daughter is pregnant...about 10 weeks along now. She is just over 19 and I am having mixed feelings about it. In some ways I am excited about the prospect of a grandchild...even if I am only 38. Don't feel old enough for grandchildren yet (LMAO). But I am also worried about her being so young. I remember how hard it was for me to have her at her age. She is back living with my sister and brother-in-law. This is a mixed blessing. She is closer than in Tampa...will be looked after so much better than her father would ever do...but she is still so far away. And still insisting she is all grown up and all the fun that goes with that. I just keep praying that she does not do anything more stupid...

OK sleep is about to claim me...since I woke up at 2am and it is now 9pm I do believe it is now bedtime.

Choices, Choices, Choices

COPIED FROM FLIRTY AUTHOR BITCHES

Now that is what I call good timing…I was sitting yesterday thinking about how the choices we make in life effect so much and so many people and today is my day to blog here.

Choices…the choices we make so effect everything around us. The choice of to write or not to write, to marry young, to raise a child alone, to end an engagement, to move far away from everyone you know, to end a relationship that has lasted many years…

I list these things cause they are all choices that have effected me and my family. I married young and ended up trying my best to raise first a daughter and then an unplanned son by myself. My family tried to help but in many ways their help ended up being more of a hindrance than any true help to me. The choices I made when my daughter was small came back to bite me in the ass big time years later, cause in the end it made worse the down hill slide that led to me not being allowed to raise my children even though that is the only thing in this world I ever wanted to do. I married again to have a friend and helpmate with my children and ended up in a worse situation than I was in before.

For my daughter who is now 18 almost 19 it was the choice to end an engagement that she had been having second thoughts about for a few months. She was dating a gentleman (and I use that term loosely here) that was 10 years older than she is and in the military. While at times he was very good to her…most of the time he was trying to force her into a box that she does not fit in. My lovely daughter has mental health issues…she is bi-polar, ADHD and suffers from PTSD due to the things that happened in her childhood. Now he was told all of these things. Yet he still insisted that she change everything about herself to fit who he wanted for a wife. When she decided she had had enough of his mind games, she was verbally attacked (ok it was on facebook) by his sister or her husband about growing up and that she was mooching off of James because she was living there and not working. Now James wanted her there…he kept bringing her back up there to be with him. Seems hard to believe that it was all one sided. But then what do I know…I am just a dumb blond truck driver…

Since I now have my daughter back…for how long I do not know…we will need to find an apartment for us. Because I drive 18 wheeler that means I can live just about anywhere I want. The problem is I do not really know where I want to live. But I think that I have come to a decision. The company I work for is based out of Murray, KY so I am thinking that to help me keep my resolve to KEEP this job instead of looking for another one, I will move to Murray KY, (LMAO) Sounds like a good plan to me. I have to live somewhere, and if I live in Jacksonville FL where my mother lives and I have stayed off and on for the last 8 years I am just going to end up back at my mothers house at some point and that will not help matters any. So a decision to move hundreds of miles away from what I know is a hard decision but it is one that I have recently made.

My daughter is having to make a few hard decisions of her own. She is seeing someone that I do not particularly care for…this has many reasons but the most obvious to me is that he has not held down a full time job in over 3 years at least to the best of my knowledge. I know this because I worked with him almost 3 summers ago at the carnival I worked for most of 7 years myself. That is where he met my daughter. At the time she was 16 and he refused to stay away from her. Nothing physical happened between them but that is not the point, he could not accept the fact that she was still a minor and he should not be trying to date her until after she turned 18. Now he wants her to move to Rhode Island where he intends to rent space from a couple for them to live in…hello what if something happens?????? Then she is stuck 1/2 way across the country with no family to be there for her. She is still only 18 but she will be 19 in March…but still…this is my daughter. The daughter that was taken from me for so long. The daughter I want to have a better life than I had. The daughter I want to help graduate from high school and get a degree of some kind or at least find a career path that she enjoys before she is gone from me forever.

Choices…I made the choice before to allow her to follow her “heart” and go to Virginia and that went wrong. I want to allow her the right to do what she wishes and see if things will work out with Dan but I also want to give her some kind of safety net in case it does not work out. I know this guy and he is still extremely juvenile and I feel that after a while it will get on Claire’s nerves and she will find that she cannot handle having him around all the time. I do not want to have to drive from Kentucky (or where ever I happen to be) to Rhode Island to come to her rescue…which I will do because I am her mother, and I love her with all of my heart. She is my first born child and the only one of my kids that I have any contact with at the present moment. God help me I want to help her make the right choices without her feeling that I am trying to force her into a box she does not fit into. I am afraid she is rushing things because she is so desperate for love and stability.

It seems that everyone is telling her to take time and do not rush anything…hello since when did telling a teenager anything get them to do what we (as adults) wanted them to do???? From my memory the more my parents and other adults told me to do one thing the more determined I was to do what I wanted to do anyway just to prove to everyone that I could. And I know how well that worked out for me. How do I as a parent go about herding her in the right direction…it seems that I am going to resort to blackmail. I have told her that if she moves to Rhode Island then she will be responsible for her student payments towards her high school diploma along with the course she chose to take even though she did not have a job to pay for it. She will also have to pay her own cell phone bill. That made her think twice about it all. I did give on one area (see I have learned from what my parents did to me) even though I do not want to allow it, I will allow Dan to come live with us and for them to share a room. This thought makes me cringe badly, but it is that or try and force the issue and she will do just what she wants consequences be damned.

The last thing I mentioned was ending a long relationship. This is effecting my family at the moment. My middle sister has decided after 9 years with her husband part of them dating/living together and part of them married, that she wants out. Now she has a son that is 15 almost 16 (and mildly autistic) and his step-father is the only father he has ever known. Now he is going to lose the close contact he has come to count on. They also have a son together. My littlest nephew is almost 4 and seriously autistic. My brother-in-law has been his sole caretaker since he was about 6 months old and they discovered that he was disabled. She is willing to basically throw her baby away cause “she cannot handle him” This makes me want to scream bloody murder. I would give almost anything to have my children and she is going to allow hers to walk away. I cannot even talk to her because she has decided that I am scum and I am no longer her sister…another choice. All because she does not like the choices I have made. Choices I live with each and every day.

As you sit at your computer reading and chatting with people online, remember that if there are people in the other room of your home that those people are very important also. At time I have found that we as a society have gotten lost in cyber space at the detriment of those we love. Make a choice today to spend quality time with your significant other and with children that are still willing to spend at least a few minutes with the parents that are quickly becoming insignificant to them. You never know when the choice to be with the ones you love will be taken away from you.

On the Road Again

Yes I am back driving rig...go figure. It must have something to do with the fact that I like doing it. My daughter just spent the last 5 weeks out with me, which was interesting to say the least. It was both good and bad to have her out with me. Now I am alone again and in so many ways I wish I was not. I am so tired of being alone all the time. I wish someone was here to spend time with me. Not really sure what to say at this point. So I am going to stop right here.

What The Hell

So it has, yet again, been too long since I blogged on here about anything. Life changes in so many ways I am usually just trying to keep up. Now I am driving Over-The-Road (OTR) again. The company leave something to be desired but it is a job and so I am happy with that for now. I am considering purchasing my own rig, it is a thought. I am not sure if I will or not, I know that I will not do so while I am working at my present job since they do not have a lease-purchase program. If I decide to get my own rig then I will have to change companies to one that does have a lease-purchase program. I probably got some of you lost. A lease-purchase program allows a driver to purchase a rig of their own through the company that they are then leasing the truck to. The payments for the truck come right out of your settlement payment. It is a good way for someone that does not have good credit to get a truck of their own and become an Owner-Operator.

The title of this blog is WHAT THE HELL. The reason for this has to do with yet another man. Go figure, sometimes it seems like most of my blogs are connected to men in one way or the other. LOL. That is just me. In this case, I met someone a few weeks ago. Seemed like a good guy. He pursued me. Not something I am really use to but it made me feel good. He is also a truck driver, and works for the same company I do. This could be a good thing. He is the father of 5 girls. This I have no problem with. I love kids and would have had more of my own if I had had a spouse that would have stuck around and helped to provide for them. Well and if I had not had to have c-sections with each pregnancy.

So him and I talked on the phone daily, we text'd back and forth many many times a day. He went home cause there was a problem at home with his oldest daughter. He told me ahead of time that he was going to take the girls camping and would probably be out of communication for a while. Ok no problem...his daughters come first...this is a good thing. Well he got home on a Friday night/Saturday morning and I got a message from him that Sunday. He said he missed me. Hell I miss talking to him too. We text back and forth for a while and I asked him on which day he "claimed me". His answer was to ask me when I agreed to it. Hell right away I said. I get back an "LOL Love You. So I answer "Love you too" I get an instant response of "Hmmmmm Love hearing that" then nothing. And I do not mean for a day or two. Tomorrow will be 3 fucking weeks since I have heard from him. His co-driver has no idea what is going on either. In the last 3 weeks that he has been home the co-driver has only talked to him once and then just last weekend to tell the co-driver that he would not be able to come out this week. And nothing. Not a word. He is not answering texts or phone messages. From either of us. Sometimes when I call he sends me to voice mail sometimes it just rings until it goes there on its own. I feel like shit and am sick and tired of guys that do not have the decency to at least tell you why they seem to have changed their minds about you. Grow some balls guys and stand up and be a man.

The Mistake I Did Not Make

I put in my last blog that my sweetheart Robert was coming to FL, well he got here on April 5th. We found an apartment and moved in on April 23rd. Just this week on May 6th I came home from work to find him gone. I have spent that last few days totally freaking out wondering just where he was and why he was gone. I have talked to his sister and aunt, befriended his friends on Facebook. No one I have talked to has heard from him at all. Today while talking to his sister yet again, I find out that he overheard a conversation my daughter and I had on Monday (I believe). We were sitting up in the loft of the apartment and for some reason my daughter got on this kick about something I did when I was dating a guy that was in jail last summer. (See past blogs) Well it seems that Robert overheard just enough of the conversation to think that I have another guy that is in jail. Instead of coming to me and asking me, it seems that he has left with just the clothes he owns. He has not contacted anyone that I know of, in fact I am really worried. Other than his sister and his adoptive parents, as far as I know he knows no body in Florida. Since his sister has not heard from him we have no idea where he is exactly. I pray that I hear from him soon.

I can understand someone being so afraid of confrontation that they will do almost anything to keep it from happening, but a simple question would have allowed him to find out the truth.

Changes

I really should do a better job of keeping this updated, but so many times life gets in the way of what we should do.

No I am not going to Arizona...in fact it is my understanding that sometime in June my divorce from James should be finalized. This is a good thing. I need a chance to get on with my life, on my own terms.

I blog at http://www.flirtyauthorbitches.com along with many other wonderful people. My most recent blog has to do with finding my own way of dealing with all that happens. Choices we make can be so hard to just deal with...much let try to get others in our lives to understand.

When I told my mother that we, that is my daughter and I, intended to move to Arizona I did not tell her it was with the intention of trying to work things out with my estranged husband. I knew that if she had any idea of that she would be upset. When it looked like he was going to move here instead, I did finally break down to tell her and yes she reacted as I expected her to...she was upset and did her best to lay a guilt trip on me. I love my mother with all my heart and she has done more for me than should be allowed, but at times I think she forgets that I am a grownup also and thus allowed to make my own choices and mistakes. I think in some ways she expects me to do exactly what she says she does not want...to live here with her the rest of my life. I want a life of my own. There was a time when I would have been perfectly happy to have lived here with my mother and grandfather, but that was before all that happened last winter. Now I just want my own space and a chance to do what I need to do in order to be happy.

An amazing friend of mine has come back into my life. I met Robert about 3 1/2 years ago while I was at Truck Driving School. We tried dating for a short time but both had other obligations that kept it from working out. Now most of his obligations are over and he got up the courage to contact me again. We have spent the last weeks talking on the phone and texting back and forth when we could. We were discussing the chance of him coming down for a visit in May or June once I had a place of my own for him to stay at. There was also the good chance that he would not be going back to where he had been living. Unfortunately, his aunt whom he has been living with found out about this and got angry with him. He lost his place to live and is at the moment on his way down to FL. In fact, he will be here right around noon today.

So I tried to find a way to talk to my mother about him coming to FL. I was hoping that she might allow him to put up a tent in the back yard and sleep back there for the few weeks I am hoping it will take for us to move into an apartment. She was not even willing to talk to me about it...she just informed me that her house was not a motel and that she did not like the idea of a stranger having access to her home. Now I totally understand where she is coming from, but my biggest problem with all of this is that this is her normal reaction to anyone I might date. They are obviously not good enough for anything or anyone in her book. I do not know if it is me that is not good enough anymore or what. She leaves me feeling like I should go away and never bother her again so many days. But that is an entirely different blog (I hope).

So he still had to leave where he was on Friday and he still needs a roof to go over his head. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that now is the time to move out and just do our best to survive. So after I pick him up from the bus station today, we are checking into a motel and will be living in it until he finds work and we can move into our own apartment. It will not be easy, but nothing ever is. The hardest part, I think, was having to tell my mother this evening that my daughter and I are moving out. She was like ok...where are you moving to. I said a motel. Her next question was if the 3 of us would be in the same room. Well ya, I cannot afford to pay for two rooms. One room is going to cost us almost $240 a week as it is. Although that is the cheapest one I could find and in the end it will cost us around that much for an apartment, lights, cable, telephone, and internet access.

Now that I have told her about it, she did what I expected yet again. She acted like I was doing something wrong by daring to leave here and take my 18 year old daughter with me. I have made some bad choices in my life, but I would never willingly put my daughter in any danger. I have no doubt that Robert wants me and is so not going to be interested in Claire. My daughter is more interested in finishing her classes so that she can go spend her summer with her boyfriend in Virginia at his apartment. She wants out of this house so badly. She wants to sleep in a real bed. She does not want my mother and grandfather watching everything she does and judging it. I am not sure how happy she is going to be with us sleeping in what will probably not be too big a room but it will have two beds in it. We discussed going to a camp ground and sleeping in tents until we could find a place but that does not sit well with me. The cost is not that much more for this room I have found to rent. And at least this means real beds, a television, a bathroom and ac.

This is not something that is easy for me to do. I am relying on so much...if I do not work then we will lose our place to stay...I have to make sure that every spare penny I make I save in case there is a bad week. I am praying that he will find work quickly to help with it all. I just so want a chance to have some kind of life. Even if we have to fight to make it. I do not want to have to answer to anyone else any more than I have to. I already answer to God, to my boss, my daughter, and as of later today my boyfriend. Cannot I not want peace in my own life? This is a risk for me and for my daughter. Every choice I make lately I ask her opinion on it, if I feel it will directly effect her in any way. I know that she needs to feel that she has some kind of control over her own life.

Heaven help me, it is basically 4am and I have not gotten to sleep yet. I am not sure if my mind will even stop enough to allow me to sleep at this point. Think I will try a hot shower and see if that helps. I still have church in a few hours then I have to pick Robert up from the airport...then we will see what happens.